New Year... nothing has change,, only the date

To many of us, we might think that its a new year.. new things.. the beginning of things...the start of plans... but to some of us its just another year... another day...another month.. another time..

For me its just the ending of last year... I didnt celebrate the new year.. where was i? at home.. dwelling on the past.. thinking of what has gone wrong.. *yeah it took me 3days to think about it*... Nothing much happened to me... but i decided that i wanted to just be alone and by myself... just lock myself in my little room.. my cell... my prison.. my cave.. my hole... my box... kinda bad planning cuz i didnt have any drinks or food.. i've nuts though.. (thankz aunty dot for the nuts from australia!!) lol yeah didnt have anything to eat for 3days.. didnt bother to even go out to buy food.. kinda think of it.. i didnt even showered... muahaha yes i'm still wearing the same clothes for the past 3days.. strange i dont feel dirty or smelly at all*lying* hahaha oh well.. thats my decision... i wanted to reflect on myself and see whats there to change.. wanna see my room??

Picture 1 is the view of some food i finished but have not the initiative to bring it down to wash.. u can see that it is molding.. lol.. wonder how long does it take for the fungus to completely fill it up.. uurrgg.

Picture 2 is my small table.. as u can see its messy with empty mugs filled with leftover coffe which i use a new cup everytime cuz its also molding inside..

Picture 3 is the view beside my bed.. i've no idea whats all that stuff but i'm not bothered of clearing it or tidying it up..

Picture 4 is the view of the corner opposite my bed.. which isnt far.. as u can see there is a full trash bag or rubbish which i've not taken out nor have the mood to take it out... my dirty clothes from a few weeks already.. that bowl which has molds in it.. and little bits of rubbish here and there..

picture 5 is the view of the top bed of my double decker bed.. its full of clothes.. and papers.. letters.. stuff.. u know it.. i dunno if the clothes are dirty or not... but its sitting there alright.. if there isnt any place on the floor.. thats the place everything else goes.. hehe

Picture 6 is the latest view of the floor... more stuff..

So you see guys.. i've not the mood to do anything at all.. i mean there is no reason for me to clean up anyways.. i've no friends to invite over.. or to say i'm not bothered to invite anyone anyways...

anyways for the past 3days i've been at home... staring at the computer... either surfing the net.. reading the bible.. yes i'm starting to read again.. going through my pictures on my laptop.. miss all those lovely days.. really miss them.. drawing.. yeah i sketch.. do origami... crying... thinking...more crying...didnt go to work at all cuz didnt feel like it... i feel bad for not telling them that i wasnt coming.. no credits to msg them too sigh... i'm sorry guys if i didnt pick up any of your calls.. i just wasnt in the mood to talk to anyone cuz i was down... im sorry if i made everyone worry but i just wanted to be alone.. i didnt want to bother anyone or give problems to anyone.. i know some people will think that i might be enjoying myself or something like that and didnt bother about anyone else but i wasnt.. ok... i wasnt enjoying myself.. i restricted myself from having fun... ermm well i think i've forgotten how to have fun anyways.. or have forgotten the meaning of having fun.. i dont think so i even know how to have fun anymore.. yes my goodfriend (cheong wai) told me that i'm not a fun person anymore.. which i dont blame him.. i must admit that i dont know how to have fun anymore.. nothing excites or interest me anymore.. all i want to do right now is stay in my hole.. thats all i did for the past few days..

i dont knw why but i didnt fell hungry at all... or didnt feel like going out... or having fun... the only time i went out was to sit by my secret place... i should change my name to the nightwalker.. cuz i'm the only crazy person around who likes taking walks at night.. in the dark.. when no one is around... when everyone is sleeping in the comfort of their beds.. me? i love the company of the night... not a sound to distract you.. not a single person around to bother you... not a single worry or thought in your mind... when i'm at my secret place.. i tend to cry alot i dunno why... for no reason at all.. maybe its because its the only place i feel safe... maybe its the only place i feel happy... i dont even know if i'm crying out of sadness or happiness.... but i guess its both... sad maybe cuz its the only place i can go... happy because its the only place where i'm not worries.. but yeah..life goes on..

anyways new years eve.. no plans... was suppose to go to work but i didnt... cwai and friends asked me out to celebrate but i declined.. i'm sorry guys i didnt mean to be anti-social but i didnt feel like enjoying myself.. like i've said i dunno how to enjoy anymore.. i know its good to go out and have some fun once in awhile but i know myself... i wouldnt be enjoying myself and i would be just faking that i am... which would be lying to myself... i know sometimes everyone would see me that i'm enjoying myself with the smile and all but no one will ever know how i feel inside.. i dont want to put everyone off with my sadness and my sad look thats why i try to always smile eventhough i'm down in front of everyone.. but to tell the truth i'm not happy inside.. i just dont want anyone to be worried about me.. thats why i always decline to go out and enjoy because i dont want to lie to myself.. if u know its quite difficult to put a smiley face or pretend that u're enjoying yourself when u're actually not...

anyways Its new year's eve and i'm in my room... i hear the sound of fireworks as it hits 12.00am on the 1/1/2007 outside my room.. i know it would be good to at least open the curtains and have a look outside but i didnt.. i just sat down on the chair with a ciggarette on my hand, lite it, turned on my webcam to see myself on the screen and wished myself a New Year.. noticed that i didnt include 'happy'? cuz it wasnt happy.. i was just sitting there with my head resting on the back of the chair... lookin at the ceiling... waiting for the cheers and fireworks to end.. i could hear people singing songs and having a good time... people lighting up fireworks.. drinking and embracing the new year.. no one was at home.. they've all gone out.. the house was silent as a grave... i was the only one home.. thought of heading to my secret place but as i was putting on my jacket it started to rain.. i guess God wanted me to stay in... so i stayed in... the noise outside died as everyone went into their houses cuz of the rain.. i guess God didnt want me to feel lonely so he brought the rain.. sigh... thats my story of my new year...